Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
