dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
