I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
