NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
