I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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