The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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