**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
