I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
