apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
