i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
