You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just gargled with NyQuil
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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