im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
