So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
