he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
