I could make wine with my vomit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
