Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
