I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
