I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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