Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
