No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
