well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
