btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
