Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
