in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
