I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
