I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
