when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
