you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
