I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I woke up under a house in Key West
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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