Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
