Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
