I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
