turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
