Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
