Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
