good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
