Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
