today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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