My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
