Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Houston, we have a blender
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
