you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
