i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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