just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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