Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
