that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
