tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
