My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
