mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
