This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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