Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
