she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
