i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
