We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
bring money and cleavage
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
