It's like God shit irony all over that family
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
