I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Floor bacon is actually really good
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
