My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
