Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
