I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
