I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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