Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
third nipple confirmed
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
