I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
