I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
